Cross Cultural Relationships
No, it is not because I have had four husbands, --all of them non-Filipino-that makes me think may "k" ako magusap tungkol rito. (I have a right to speak on this). This is also a field I have studied extensively and in which I am eager to interact with you, sharing what I know and feel and hoping to learn from what you know and feel too.
I promise not to ban you from the website the way I was banned in the early 1990's from a forum (?) for foreign men married to (or wanting to be married to) their Filipina penpals. More on this and other things as this section gets developed.
A caveat: All the entries in this section have been taken from my book SEXY SAUCY SPICY. Because they are for print, they are thus-ulp!-pretty long. Wordy. Sorry sorry. I promise to have shorter stuff once I get inputs from you-hopefully, but not necessarily, shorter too.
Also, pleaee don't think the cross cultural stuff has to be on sex alone. I would looove to hear about cross cultural issues pertaining to workl expatriatring,. repatriating, etc. etc.
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hello po im april,
gusto ko lang po ng payo about sa aking chatmate na black american he is planning to visit me in summer and we are open with the fact that we will express our love to each other intimately or shall i say we will have sex pero kasi po im virgin and he knows that he is worried about me he is really big guy 6'6 and im just 5' he told me he had a big sexual organ and he advice me to masturbate because he is worried that he might hurt me a lot of course i know it will hurt a lot even how gentle he is.and he advice me to use materials in order to make me ready for him when i masturbate but the problem is i dont like it.
i know and im ready that i will be hurt at first and he understand me .
now my problem is i want him to enjoy when we make love but i know that he will not enjoy if he see me hurting. deep inside my heart i cant do masturbating using any materials. what will i do
can you advice? please thank you
APRILDear April:
Thank you very much for your letter Boyoboy. This guy sure is lucky to have you. In fairness to him, you may be just as lucky to have him. I guess only time will tell. So please, pleeeeease, don’t do anything long term (example, marriage, flying to the States with him, etc.) until you have spent more time with him. There is nothing like face time. It is still possible to present a false (better) picture of yourself no matter how often or long you chat.
It is perfectly understandable that you not insert any object in your vagina or masturbate if you don’t want to. You are a virgin. April, and I can’t imagine anyone thinking you can take such a big leap: from never having had sex to inserting eggplants, vibrators or what have you in your vagina.
I think your chatmate will have to do what many men do when they make love to a virgin: take their time and see to it that you’re relaxed. At least, as relaxed as you ever will be.
If his penis is really much bigger than most men, he will have a bit more difficulty entering you than most men might. And you will probably experience a bit more pain than you would with another man.
But he can minimize that, NOT by making sure you have had
Take time, he should make sure he enlarges you (finger)not some unknown eggplant you haven’t been introduced to (joke only)In most cases, women get hurt because their partners don’t have the patience to go slow, they say they understand that their girl is a virgin, thus one neds to be gentle and patient, but they understand it only in the mind, not in the heart and almost certainly not in the loins.
It is wonderful of you to care more about him than of you. But don’t you worry. He will enjoy enough, he will enjoy enough to not stop doing it.
What can I say? Except the pain can turn to pleasure in time. But not if your partner continues to think a simplistic solution like vibrators and insertions is the answer.
Please not now maybe, but soon enough. BUT just incase it doesn’t, please PLEEEASE, get back to me and we shall do something about it. -
Dear April:
To continue from PART 1, iba ang trato sa virgin hindi dahil mas espesyal siyang tao, pero dahil hindi pa siya nakaranas nito kaya kailangang dahan dahan ang pagturo ay pagsiping.
Para bang natututo ka lang magmamaneho. Hindi ka kaagad matututong mag parallel park sa un among leksyon. Ganyan rin ang sex. Marami ay hindi nag e-enjoy sa una nilang pagsisiping. Of course, marami rin diyang nag-e-enjoy, pero dahil sa maraming beses na ninyo pinagusapan ang sakit na mararamdaman mo, hindi ka magiging relaxed sa una ninyong pagsisiping. Kasi hinahanda mo na ang sarili mo na masakit sa una ninyong pagsisiping.
Kagaya naman ito sa mga nakikitang ma-a-aksidente sila. Ayon sa mga ibang doctor na may karunungan sa topic na ito, ang dahilan daw na mas nasasaktan ang mga adults kapag nakikita nila na ma-aksidente sila “hinahanda” nila ang katawan nila, at nagiging stiff sila, kumo-contract ang mga muscles nila. Ang mga hindi kino contract ang muscles nila, Di kagaya daw ng mga babies, dahil hindi nila alam ang kahulugan na baka ang kotseng sinasakyan nila ay mababangga, hindi sila nag-te-tense kaya hindi sila masasaktan ng kasing tindi ng mga na-te-tense.
Sana hindi ka magalit na napakahaba ang sagot ko, at mayroon pang mga koneksyon sa ibang mga agham. Mahalaga kasi ang tanong mo, kaya gusto kong bigyan ng malalim na sagot. Next kolum paalala mo sa akin tungkol sa isang “surgical procedure na baka makatulong sa iyo.” Ingat and TO BE CONTINUED… -
PART 3
Dear April:
Ang ibang mga babae na talagang nahihirapan makapasok ang ari ng lalake ay pumupunta sa gynecologist, kung sakaling mayroon silang napaka makapal na hymen.
Pero hindi pa kayo nakakasigurado na yan talaga ang problema ninyo. Sana subukan ninyo muna. Siguro naman, hindi siya kaagad magtra-try pumasok. Siguro, una, gagamiti ng niya ang pumunta sa gynecologist ng sabay.
Napaka bait mo, April, na iniisip mo ang kaniyang kasiyahan, na ayaw mong bumawas kasi baka niya Makita kung gaano ka nasasaktan. Yan ang dahilan na, gusto kong samahan ka niya sa gynecologist, para maunawaan niya na hindi ka sanay sa ganitong mga bagay, at kailangan mo rin ang tulong niya. Hindi siya puedeng magmungkahi lang kung ano ang gagawin mo (mag insert ng bagay sa ari mo) para makahanda sa kaniya.
Mahalaga na malaman niya kung gaano mo pinapalit ang buhay mo para sa kaniya. Hindi para ipa-gulity siya, pero para lalo niyang maintindihan ang kultura mo at saan ka nanggagaling (where you’re coming from). . Palagay ko, kapag maintindihan niya ang kultura mo, ang mga paniniwala mo, ang paninindigan mo, ang iyong katauhan, mag e-enjoy siya dahil alam niya na ay malaking bagay na ginagawa mo para sa kaniya.
AT, kung alam rin niya na virgin ka, sana lalo siyang magdadahan dahan. Walang madaling sagot sa tanong mo, April. At totoo, kahit hindi siya malaki, ang unang pagpasok ng ari niya sa ari mo ay masakit. Pero hindi kasing masakit kung maalaga siya at hindi siya nagaapura. Sana sulatan mo nanaman ako kung mayroon ka pang gustong itanong o ipa-klaro. Ingat—MG Holmes` -
Dear Dr. HOLMES:
I have a boyfriend of three years. He's British and I’m Filipino. He and I love each other so much and I can say that we’re happy. He doesn’t believe in marriage but he’s promised to love me forever even without a piece of paper. I really love him and have come to accept him as he is, including this, and his flaws.
One of which is his weakness in women. It’s a struggle but I said I'm not going to try and stop him. All i asked was to give me respect and not do it straight to my face. But recently I found out he was having an affair with the manager of our small business. My initial reaction was of anger and hurt for being deceived like this. But since it broke out, he's been very honest about it and has admitted to feeling remorse. He still says he loves me very deeply and he still wants me in his life and doesn’t want to live without me.
But he would understand if I hated him so and dont want him to stay. I've calmed down from the initial shock and anger. I really love him but I know I will find it very difficult to forgive so quickly. It would be a long process. Is it worth saving the relationship when I know that sooner or later he may do it again? He's said that the problem does not lie in me, but in himself. I really would appreciate your thoughts as I need someone to talk to. Thank you KATYDear KATY:
I could be entirely wrong, but my feeling is, it is not worth saving this relationship. Not only is he bound to do this sooner or later, he doesn’t seem sorry for what he did now.
It is easy to tell someone the fault lies in himself and not in you, especially because this is so true. This guy is not willing to change, KATY. He says he is remorseful, but apparently not remorseful enough to change. And of course he doesn’t want to live without you, because where else will he find a woman as forgiving and non demanding as you?
The difference between the two of you is not really cultural, as there are many Brits who would not be unfaithful to their women and who would marry women they claimed to love and who know they are as loved as much as you love your boyfriend. The difference between you is that you care about his needs whereas he talks a good talk but seems cavalier about yours. If you are hurt now, you will probably be hurt even more if this relationship continues as is. All the best—MG Holmes -
Beyond the call of Duty? (Philippine Embassies Abroad)
(Since the following question was asked in Tagalog, Dr. Holmes feels a Tagalog answer would be better. Please write to her if you would like an English translation!)
Hi, Doctora Holmes:
have a nice day to you.Doc, mayron po akong itanong kasi ang asawa ko po ay hindi Pinoy. Kapag ako po ay tinabihan ng asawa ko, pakiramdam ko sa pikpik ko, dok, tumataba ng tumataba at iba ang baho.
Minsan nga po akala ko nalaglag yong pikpik ko kasi bigla na lang na parang nalaglag. Sabi po ng mga kaibigan ko po na na-on on daw po ako. Is this true Doc,and what shall i do and i will wait for your response at abante o sa tonite. Maraming salamat po
CARMINADear CARMINA:
Pasensya ka nalang sana, dearest Carmina, pero hindi ko mainitindihan ang iba mong sinasabi—ano po ang ibig sabihin ng “na-on on (daw po) ako”? At ano rin ang ibig mong sabihin nang sinabi mo na “bigla nalang na parang nalaglag” (ang pikpik mo)?
Mas matutulungan kita kung alam ko ang mga ibig sabihin nito. Pero kahit hindi malinaw ang lahat, klarong klaro sa akin na kailangan kang magpatingin sa manggagamot sa lalong madaling panahon. Kung ikaw ay nasa ibang bansa at walang malapitan, sana ay sabihin mo sa akin ano ang bansang iyon para makausap ko ang isang taga Philippine Embassy doon para matulungan ka.
Yan ang trabaho nila kaya sana huwag kang mahiyang lumapit sa kanila. Ingat, dearest Carmina, at hihintayin ko ang sulat mo sa website na sinulatan mo ngayon, ok? All the best—MG Holmes -
Hi Dra. Holmes:
Lesbian po ako at may ka relasyon na muslim, nandito po ako ngyon sa UAE. Widow po sya so may karanasan na po sya sa lalaki
. ang problema ko po feeling ko di ko sya napapasaya pag dating sa kama. everytime po na fifingerin ko sya sa una excited sya but eventually parang naiinis sya dahil may kulang parang di po sya kuntento sa kamay dahil nga po naranasan na nya ang sa lalaki.
Sinasabi po nya ok sya pero i know hindi at masakit po sakin na di ko maibigay ang sarap na gusto nya ano po ba ang dapat ko gawin.
Ako naman mo honestly sa dati kong girlfriend enjoy ako kasi po oral sex ang ginagawa ko sa kanya. kitang kita ko po sa kanya na pagkatapos nya nanginginig pa ang kawatan nya sa sarap pero dito po dahil muslim sya finger lang di po pwede oral ayaw nya.
Same with me yung dati ko po inooral din ako kya kuntento ako pero yung ngayon hndi po pumapatong lang po akosa kanya then ipupump ko po sa ari nya ang akin at nakakatapos ako pero di po ako kuntento.
Mahal po namin ang isat isa ano po ba ang dapat namin gawin. Ano po ba kailangan para masatisfy ko sya. Hindi na po bale ako basta makuntento lang sya masaya na ako dahil nasasaktan po.
SALAMAT PO.
rhondaDear Dr. Holmes:
The first time i learned about the website www.margararitaholmes.com i was so happy. Sabi ko sa sarili ko finally there is someone na makakausap ng mga tao regarding matters na di kaya pagusapan ng basta basta.
First i hope you don’t mind that I’m here in the middle east. I’m a catholic and I fell in love with a muslim girl na nainlove din sakin.
The problem is feeling ko di ko sya napapasaya sa sex parang lagi syang bitin although sinasabi nya na ok naman sya.
And the same with me may mga gusto ako sa sex na di nya magawa dahil sa religious belief nila alam ko mahal nya ako dahil nga kahit bawal sa kanila tinanggap nya ako pero pag dating sa sex dun talaga ang problema.
Feeling ko dahil di ko sya nasasatisfy wala sya gana lagi siguro iniisip nya mabibitin lang sya ang gusto ko lang malaman ay kng pano ko mapapasaya sa kama ang isang babae para hindi siya nabibitin.
Sana po mapagbigyan nyo itong sulat ko matagal ko na ito iniisip at ayaw ko naman na di sya masaya pagdating sa kama kasama ako.
SALAMAT po in ADVANCE alam ko kyo lang makakatulong sa kin…
JESSE(Since the following question was asked in Tagalog, Dr. Holmes feels a Tagalog answer would be better. Please write to her if you would like an English translation!)
Dear RHONDA at JESSE:
Sinabay ko na ang mga sulat ninyo dahil kahit na isa ay lalake at isa babae, isa ay lesbian at isa ay barako, magkapareho ang inyong situwasyon: in love sa isang muslim na marahil ay may mas konserbatibong pananaw sa sex. At tila ang rehiliyon nila ay nakakasagabal sa inyong sex lives.
Totoo, walang malaking kaibahan ang konserbatibong katoliko sa konserbatibong Muslim: pareho silang “cerrado” sa sex na hindi bahagi ng kasal (premarital or extra marital sex).
Ang mas mahirap s akaso ninyo though is that kayo ay nakatira sa middle east, kaya ang buong bansa ay muslim. At ang parusa para sa mga hindi sumusnod sa muslim law ay matindi (for private acts such as sex) kaysa sa karamihan ng mga bansang hindi Muslim.
Alam ninyo na konserbatibo ang inyong mga girlfriend at parang hindi naisisyahan ng kompleto sa sex. Kayo rin ay bitin dahil nga sa kanilang pag-aalangan sa ginagawa ninyo. Ang hindi natin alam ay kung ito ay dahil lamamng hindi pa niya nakasanayan ang maging inlove sa hindi muslim and it is only a matter of time bago maka-adjust sila,…in which case “hinay-hinay” lang. Makakarting rin kayo sa puntong super sex at super love.
Pero maaari rin na ang kanil,ang rehiliyon ay napaka importante sa kanila at mananatiling malakling impluensiya sa inyong sex at love lives. ..in which case mayroon mga iba’t ibang option na masusundan.
Ang dalawang pinaka-obvious ay:- Tanggapin na ganito talaga sila at mahalin sila for what they are, dahil kung sikapin mong palitan sila (para maging mas open sila sa sex, halimbawa), hindi mo sila talagang minamahal; o
- Tanggapin na ganyan talaga sila at ganyan talaga kayo and “never the twains shall meet” (hindi talaga kayo magka bagay), agree to disagree and move on from there.
Ang maniwala sa mga napakababaw na mga kasabihan tungkol sa “love conquering all” (na ang pagibig lang ang mahalaga at lahat ay susunod nalang) ay hindi sapat. “No use hitting your head against a brick wall,” because “this is bigger than the two of you.”
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Dear Margie:
Thank you for printing my letter about Asian-American men. It was surprising and very exciting to see my letter in print, especially in your column. As I mentioned before, I am teaching Filipino-American History at UP Diliman, The class is a mixture of Filipino students from the US and the Philippines. The article brought out some interesting discussions. But what struck me the most were the impressions and perceptions (in this case misperceptions) of what life is like in the States. Maybe these come from stories that returning relatives tell or what a person sees on television (Dallas, Dynasty, the Cosby Show). Can anyone name one show from the States where they see a Filipino? And that’s the rub. From my perspective, Filipinos have been left from the outside looking in. Even when they’re right in the States. If you really think about it, how many of these idealized images that you see on television, magazines and movies include Filipinos? If I were to answer this question, I would say “none, zero, zilch.” I remember once they had a Filipino on West Side Story starring Natalie Wood. His last name was de Vega and he played the part of Chino, a Puerto Rican gang member.
To get to the point, what do you think this kind of neglect and exclusion would have on Filipino kids living in growing up in America? For the early stages of my life, I hated being Filipino. When I reached puberty and started noticing girls, it was really a frightening, exciting and confusing time of my life. I wanted to start socializing with girls so I started looking for models and examples to emulate and give me some sort of guidance. Television and movies were certainly important windows to socialization for me. I was watching shows like Donna Reed, Father Knows Best, Leave it to Beaver, Ozzie and Harriet Nelson, The Lone Ranger. These were my examples! But what I understood probably subconsciously was that none of them looked like me. None had full lips, dark skin, brown slanted eyes and certainly none had parents that cooked rice for every meal with dishes like adobo, pancit, pinakbet, toyo and patis.
So as a kid growing up looking for acceptance, I wanted to be like them. Even physically, I would look in the mirror as I became more aware of my body. I rejoiced the fact that I was taller than my other family members. I was dismayed by the size of my lips watching them everyday in the mirror afraid that they were getting bigger. I hated it when my mother would pack lunch that would include rice. The other kids always made fun. I always begged for bologna sandwiches on white bread. My sisters would practice the “we must, we must, we must develop our bust: exercises and their friends would talk about putting clothes pins on their noses to give it some shape or taping their eyelids to make it look rounder or dyeing their har blonde.
It was at this time of that I also started hearing the Filipino girls talking about boys. All I remember is that they always made fun of the Flipino boys and idolized the white guys. You must remember that they also watched the same shows and movies. Their idols were Rick Nelson, Paul Newman, Marlon Brando. Can you imagine what this does to an impressionable 13-year old kid, insecure about his image.
I went into total denial. I would say to myself “I’m not like those other Filipinos those girls are talking about. I’ve become American. Look at the way I dress, look at the way I talk, look at what we eat. I’m not like them.”
This is my own personal experience. Multiply this several times over for so many other Filipino boys growing up in the States and you get an idea of the magnitude of the situation.
I wish I could say that this is something that one eventually grows out of and becomes mature, self-realized, confident adult. But what is there in American society that counteracts these influences? Not much really. And that’s where you get to the point where the image of Asian men in the US is really quite negative. That’s why you have such a high outmarriage rate (marrying out of your own race) among Asian-American, and in particular, Filipino-American women.
In the States, a large number of Filipino women outright reject anything to do with Filipino men. I think it’s actually more of a problem for them than it is for men. In my opinion, they are actually rejecting themselves and their culture.
Margie, please don’t get me wrong. I am not against interracial marriages. It’s only when they say they deliberately choose not to date or marry Filipinos that I think there’s a problem.
In one discussion I had with my students, one young woman said that she had problems with her two previous Filipino boyfriends and didn’t want to have anything to do with Filipino men anymore. I asked her “Do you hear white women saying that they don’t date white men anymore because they’ve had bad experiences with their previous white boyfriend?” Why did she put all Filipino men in into that category rather than just seeing it as a bad experience with two individuals?
So Margie, to put some kind of closure in this, I hope it provides some sort of reality check on what life really is like in the States from one who has lived there for 32 years. There you are neither fish nor fowl.
But to come back to Philippines and be looked at by some Filipinos as not being really Filipino anymore is what cuts the deepest. Many of us do not make the choice of where we are to be born of grow up. So the denial stage I went through was not a result of choice but a result of the circumstances I was born into. You don’t blame a person for being born Catholic or Moslem, Ilocano or Visayan, male or female, Filipino or Filipino-American. You do your best to understand and relate to them as an individual with a unique life perspective.
Thanks for listening.
Antonio de Castro
University of the Philippines
Dear Antonio:
It’s easy to listen when one is articulate, perceptive, and honest as you. I hope your letters will encourage other people to share their insights on and feeling towards their own American experience. That way we can help each other look upon the States as a great place to visit, perhaps – sigh – even a great place to live in (for some of us), but also a country that can be considered home only under very special circumstances. -
Those "geeky" nerdy technocrats
Dear Dr. Holmes:
I don’t know if you remember me, but I met you once in San Francisco during a talk you gave to mental health professionals at St. Francis Hospital. Your talk was titled: Filipino Sexuality: Issues and Concerns. There is a very hot issue raging among many Asians in the States that I would like to share with your readers.
I am a 40-year old, single Filipino male who has spent the last 32 of those years in the States. I teach Filipino-American History and Asian American Studies at San Francisco State University in California. I was born in the Philippines. As I write I am in the Philippines teaching at the University of the Philippines, Diliman, as part of a faculty exchange program. I also brought along 10 Fil-Am students to study here for a semester.
Getting to the meat of the matter, in 1991 I photographed and published the 1991 Asian and Pacific Islander American Male Calendar. It was, as the name suggests, made up of sexually and physically oriented photographs of Asian-American (API) males. By sexual, I don’t mean pornographic, far from it. By today’s standards they would be considered rather tame and conservative. But nevertheless, the emphasis was on the attractive physical appearances.
To my surprise, (not to mention everyone else’s) the API calendar created a sensation. Within one week of its release in the US it was featured in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times, the Honolulu Star Bulletin etc. It received feature coverage in all the local papers in the San Francisco Bay area. It was also widely covered by all the television stations in San Francisco. Eventually I received newsclips from Korea, Taiwan, Japan, Spain, Hongkong, including full-page stories from newspapers here in Manila.
It turns out that this was the first time a calendar in Asian men had come ou in the US. Therein lies the core of the issue. The image and perception of Asian men in the US is actually quite negative. For the most part, the presence of Asian men in mainstream American media (movies, television, magazines) is practically non-existent. Where they show up, the portrayals are, to say the least, not flattering. In fact, the most common portrayals of Asian men are as geeky nerdy technocrats, asexual and lacking passion. Another portrayal is as inscrutable, unfeeling, untrustworthy villain types.
What is sadder still is how these negative images manifest themselves in real life. Asian-American men, as I observe, generally have very low self-esteem and poor self-concept. These attitudes did not come out of a vacuum. This poor self-concept comes from how they are treated and accepted in our society. And it turns out some of the worst and most penetrating treatment comes from Asian-American women.
In my Filipino-American History class, it was expressed by the female students that any Filipino women consciously and deliberately choose not to date and marry Filipino men. Instead they prefer white men. In fact, Filipinas and other Asian-American women have a very high rate of outmarriage (marrying someone not of their race and in this case marrying white). US census statistics show that Asian-Americans marry out at the rate of 35 Filipinos more than any of the other Asian categories. Just to contrast, the outmarriage rate in the Black community is 1.6 percent and about 5.6 percent with Hispanics.
I’ve had opportunities to survey many women throughout the US on this issue. I’ve asked why they think there is such a high outmarriage for Asians. I found the answers rather shocking. They fall into two general categories. One is the problem with Asian men. They are macho, jealous, insecure and treat women as lower than them.
The other is that by marrying white they improve their social status and they improve the physical characteristics of their children. What this shows to me is that the Asian-American women are just as much the victims of demeaning portrayals of Asian men. For an Asian to feel that to have white features is an advantage over Asian features is to me as close to total self-contempt as one can feel. Yet, this is one of the major reasons that Asian-American women state for marrying out. I know that this is something your Filipino readership can relate to. The mystique of the mestizo in Filipino society is well-known. Just look at the sales volume of Esquinol – a skin whitener.
This is such a personal issue, Dr. Holmes, that it is difficult to discuss it withy anyone without their taking it personally. After all, it does touch on one of the most important decisions one makes in life – in this case, whom they will choose to marry, have children with and to, hopefully, have as a life long partner. I would be very interested in hearing your reader’s perspectives on this issue. I don’t know how prevalent some of what I have brought up is in the Philippines but I feel that somehow, the issue is not that foreign. Getting the perspective from a different social and cultural sensibility, especially from your readers who all seen intelligent enough to go beyond prescriptive thinking, would really be interesting and add greatly to the discussion.
Antonio De Castro
International Center
UP Diliman, Quezon City -
Dear Dr. Go Singco-Holmes:
One of the most exciting times of life is when two people decide to dance along that thin line between friendship and sexual-spiritual intimacy. Crossing that line – becoming lovers as well as friends can be a wonderful experience of release and ecstasy. But standing at the edge of that line before we cross it can be terrifying, like standing at the edge of the cliff and wanting to jump off but not being sure we have wings to fly with. We need encouragement from our would-be lover, some clear signals that we can trust them and that they will love us no matter what. Unfortunately, the signals we get and give are sometimes hilariously unclear. We dance away from that line of intimacy as often as we dance toward it. For example, I want a woman to know I like her, but I want to know first that she likes me before I tell her I like her, so that once I do tell her I like her I know she’ll like me back. This dizzying adolescent dance of insecure persons (and of course we’re all insecure) so often makes the crossing of that line agonizingly slow. Why we can’t get better at this kind of communication skills that are absolutely necessary for a truly intimate relationship to grow and develop.
I would like some advice from you about how to interpret those signals from our would-be lovers and how to give them the right signals without hurting feelings and making myself too vulnerable. In my case, there’s a cross-cultural aspect: I am a newcomer to this country and haven’t yet mastered the cultural nuances here.
To complicate things further, I come from a country to which many Filipinos wish to emigrate. So it’s hard to tell sometimes when people are drawn to me because of my personality (and hopefully my bodily charms!) and when they are drawn to me because of the Western nationality and their assumptions of what values my Westernness implies. I am turned off by women who like me just because I am western, because it shows they might be just using me and they haven’t tried to get to know the real me. I admit, of course, that it’s an ego boost to get attention from a lot of women, but I have enough self-respect to know that such misdirected admiration can’t lead to real intimacy. Nor does such “nationality admiration” embody the kind of clear-eyed personal respect and trust that are the building blocks for any good relationship.
Back to the advice I seek from you. Someone recently asked me, “what do you do when women come on to you here?” The assumption behind the question was that a lot of women come on to me. But my question in return is, “How do I know when a woman is coming on to me?” It’s hard to know here when a woman is both sexually available and sexually interested. Back home, things seemed clearer and more direct. I remember one woman in my home town who invited me to dinner, brought me to a party, brought me back to her apartment, and flatly told me she didn’t want me to leave that night. How nice for a guy not to always have to take the risks!
Here in the Philippines, though, things seemed more confused and the burden seems to fall on me to figure things out. Perhaps this is in part due to the impossible standards imposed on women here. (My own countrymen suffer from impossible standards too, but there does seem to be more freedom there.) Filipinas are told to be demure, virginal, and pure, saving themselves for the man they marry. They’re also told to absolutely smolder in bed with the right man – but primarily to do so to prove that the man is so good at turning them on. If they go after a man, they’re seen as too loose. But if they don’t go after a man they like, they may lose him. And it’s okay if they’re husband sleeps around but not if they sleep around. After a lifetime of such head trips, it’s amazing there are so many wonderful, well-adjusted women in the Philippines!
Let me give you a few examples of how these signals have been confusing for me. I met a beautiful woman on a dive trip who seemed to show no interest on me. Two weeks later, she called me up and wanted to get together for dinner. I didn’t think much of it. I never would have guessed from her behavior that she was interested in me. She practically had to undress herself in front of me before I got the message. And what a lovely message it was! Once we finally got into the sack together, she told me she had lusted after me ever since she first met me. Now, what were those signals back on the dive trip that could have tipped me off to this?
My second example is of women I just go out with as friends. In my own mind, I have never given them reason to believe there is some thing more between us. In my own country, I enjoy platonic friendships with a number of women and there haven’t been serious misunderstandings of intentions. (Of course, sometimes there is mutual attraction, but that is an inherent part of any relationship and can enhance the friendship rather than threaten it if we simply acknowledge it.) But I can’t help but feel that a few of my Filipina friends are hoping for something more but are just not saying so. How can I make my intentions clear without hurting their feelings?
Then there are the women who flirt with me. How can I know when the flirtatious women mean business and when they’re just kidding around? In my own country, women don’t tend to flirt quite as much; rather, when they do so, it’s usually a signal that they’re “open to possibilities.” I enjoy the repartee in the Philippines but occasionally would like things to be a bit clearer. Any clues on body language or other signals that can tell me when someone want s to get to first base with me?
These are wonderful problems to have – the problems of two dancers edging ever closer to that line of intimacy. They are the stuff of comedy, drama, great literature. So please don’t make everything clearer for me, Dr. Holmes. Just give a few dance steps so I can take a partner across the line from time to time.
Sincerely,
Mr. Bermused
Dear Mr. Bermused:
Your letter touched on many issues, and I will repeat/paraphrase your questions/comments before I deal with each one.
(1) I come from a country to which many Filipinos wish to emigrate. So it’s hard to tell sometimes when people are drawn to me because of my personality (and hopefully my bodily charms!) and when they are drawn to me because of the Western nationality and their assumptions of what values my Westernness implies. I am turned off by women who like me just because I am western, because it shows they might be just using me and they haven’t tried to get to know the real me. I admit, of course, that it’s an ego boost to get attention from a lot of women, but I have enough self-respect to know that such misdirected admiration can’t lead to real intimacy. Nor does such “nationality admiration” embody the kind of clear-eyed personal respect and trust that are the building blocks for any good relationship.
Actually, there is nothing I can tell you about this because you have covered all the angles – from the observation that “favorable attention” is always welcome whether this attention be foisted on you because you’re you or merely because you’re Western to the recognition that this admiration, while flattering, is hardly the basis for deep intimacy. It is refreshing to encounter a Westerner who does not immediately attribute such “admiration” to his charms but realizes that some women believe that a relationship with a North American is the only way they can better live their lives. Sadly, everyone can – and sometimes DOES – get used, including both “brown women” and white men.
(2) How do I know if a woman is coming on to me?
First of all, I would like to thank Elen Samonte, UP Professor of psychology who, like a true scientist, asked the Filipino males in an office to which she is consultant, exactly what cues Filipinas give out to show interest in them. All the men agreed that, as you yourself mentioned in you letter, Filipinas are quite subtle when it comes to expressing interest in the opposite sex, but if you know what to look for, you can read the interest loud and clear. According to Dr. Samonte’s respondents, one of the clearest give-aways are a woman’s eyes. How does she look at you: does she hold your glance just a second longer than usual? Do her pupils dilate when she sees you? Does her head tilt when she makes eye contact with you? Another non-verbal clue is where she sits when she has a choice. Is it next or close to you? Even if it seems to be done ever so casually, this is a good indication that she is interested in you. Finally, one male swears that a woman’s playing with her hair while she speaks with you is a sure-fire sign that she is interested.
And you know something? She’s dead right! This is according to Dr. David Givens, professor of anthropology at the University of Washington at Seattle, who wrote an entire book on this very subject. The book is called Love Signals and is part ethnography and part “how to” because it both documents the little courting rituals men and women engage in at work and at play and also suggests particulars in meeting and relating with the person you’re interested in, thrusting out one’s chest, tossing one’s head, and pouting one’s lips.
I wish to thank Elen Samonte not only for so generously helping out a friend in need (myself) by doing actual research on the topic, but also for confirming what I have suspected all along: that cues to express interest are universal. There may be variations in the courtship patterns – a bit more emphasis here and there, depending on what the cultural constraints are – but essentially the messages are the same: (1) “I am here” through (movement, sight, and sound); (2) “I am woman/man” and (3) I am harmless (therefore you can approach me). The harmless connoting signals (which, by the way, both men and women need to emit to “court” successfully) is not necessarily attractive in itself, but the vulnerability cue gives people permission to come near.
According to Dr. Givens, the best universal threat disclaimer is the shoulder shrug. After extensive research, Dr. Givens concluded that men and women automatically pitch and roll their shoulders with partners they’re attracted to. It’s a way of showing personal harmlessness. I could go on and on with examples, but am following your request that I “not making everything (super) clear, (rather) give you a few dance steps so you can take a partner across the line from time to time. If the dance steps I have given are insufficient, please write to me again and I will happily supply you with more. I would prefer you give specific examples of actual encounters that we can analyze together, rather than our discussing things on a theoretical level.
(3) How can I make my intentions clear (that I want to keep the friendship at a platonic level) without hurting the feelings of women whom you suspect are hoping for something more?
I’m sure other people can give you far more imaginative advice than what I am about to, but here is my personal (as opposed to professional) opinion. The best way to tell then how you feel without embarrassing them is by asking them if they feel the same way too for example: “I am so glad I have a friend like you with whom I don’t have to worry about erotic complications.” (See, I TOLD you somebody else could offer far more imaginative advice.)
Finally, you ask:
(4) “How do I interpret these signals from our would-be lovers and how to give them right signals without hurting feelings and making myself too vulnerable?”
I doubt you can ever really do that, Mr. Bermused. If all sex were to you were exercise or sport, then I could give you a map that would clearly point out to you what emotional land mines to avoid. Happily for us women you sound like a man for whom sex is meaningful, sometimes, even spiritual. Part of the ecstasy that true intimacy brings is the knowledge that this is something special, that not everybody in the world gets to get a chance at this. Part of the miracle of loving is that, despite the possible and excruciating pain love can bring, you risk it because you know that only this can make you truly human.
Good luck! -
Dear Dr. Holmes:
I am a Filipino-American who used to be involved only with white women. This was made clear three years ago when I asked a woman to marry me. She was a Ph.D. student, a West German citizen, and a member of the “bourgeoisie.” She spoke German, English, Hebrew, French, and Spanish. Not only was she intelligent and highly cultured, she was tall and very beautiful, with blonde hair and blue eyes. I was also a Ph.D. student at an Ivy league university (Cornell) and our life together was compatible and extremely satisfying. In short, we were typically chic New York couple living on the Upper West Side.
One evening while we were in bed talking – I’ll leave out what we were doing before our little intimate chat – our conversation came to the point where I felt the most appropriate and natural thing for me to do was to ask her to marry me. She very gently said no.
What surprised me was that instead of feeling badly about this event I instead felt a sense of “Whew! That was close. Don’t ever do something crazy like that again!!” I was very disturbed by the fact that the first woman from the upper class. I always held the view that one should date and fall in love with whoever one chooses but when I applied this belief I found out that all women I had ever been involved with were white. Why had I never fallen in love with a Filipina? I studied enough logic to know that it simply is not possible that there would be no Filipina whom I would find attractive. So why hadn’t I met any? As a Filipino doing graduate work in Plato and Aristotle, I’m usually the only non-white person in any social situation. Hence, nearly all the women I’d ever met were white and privileged. “Yikes!” I thought to myself, “You’ll end up marrying a white person and this is a reality you’ll have to accept.”
This realization made me a bit angry. It made me sick to my stomach. I was faced with a difficult decision: stay the same and marry a white woman or leave and possibly marry a Filipina. That week I made one of the most important decisions of my life. I left a prestigious Ph.D. program in Cornell and never looked back. Leaving my discipline was easy. I couldn’t imagine spending the best years of my life mulling over the ideas of dead white men.
In 1990 I returned to the Philippines, a place I had avoided for 14 years. After extensive travel in America and Europe, I felt it was time to go back to my spiritual home. I fell in love with the country and our people. I loved all the chic restaurants in Manila. I enjoyed visiting UP Diliman and escaping from the city’s humidity in Baguio, and returning to Iloilo where I was born but left at early childhood. But most of all, I really enjoyed being out in the provinces and the mountains and the forests – it was a truly magical experience. The Philippines is such a beautiful country.
Things have changed since then. These days, I am attracted to and date only Filipinos. I am now working on a Ph.D. which focuses on the history of Filipino American immigrants. Berkeley has one of the best history departments in the country, so for this Filipino intellectual, it’s an absolute joy to be in this institution.
I remember a particular evening in Mindanao that summer of 1990. I was having dinner at the Davao Insular Hotel. There was a light fresh breeze which made the leaves of the coconut trees rustle. Dinner was an outdoor barbecue; you selected the seafood and seasoning and the chefs cooked them over a grill. Musicians were playing Filipino songs on their guitars. I walked out to the balcony and said to myself: “I will be back here someday and next time I’ll bring my wife with me.” I smiled when I realized that I can now say with much confidence that she will probably be a Filipina. A Pinoy at BerkeleyDear Pinoy at Berkeley:
I think the reason “everything felt right” was you did a lot of things right. You thought things through and tried to do something about it. Something bothered you and you confronted it squarely. You didn’t merely cry in your soup or look around for other people to blame.
Another thing you did right was to increase your likelihood of meeting Filipinas by switching courses and locations. Allen Tan, president of the Psychological Association of the Philippines, was the only Filipino who have graduated with a Masters in Hotel and Restaurant Management from there, but you must’ve been the only one in a field as esoteric as Western Philosophy. I am sure the bitterly cold winds of Ithaca could never compete with the warm sunshine of California where Filipino stores, music, friends, and relatives abound. By changing your environment, you achieved proximity. Social psychologists cite innumerable studies where proximity is the crucial factor in determining who marries whom.
I am also glad that you switched to a program as intellectually rigorous as the one you left. I would hate to think that you were suffering from mediocrity of thought for “nationalism.”
Please just reassure me of one little thing: Your attraction for Filipinas now comes naturally, doesn’t it? It isn’t because of a grit-your-teeth attitude that insists you find Filipinas attractive because they’re “my people and part of my roots?” I think it’s just GREAT that you will, in all likelihood, marry a Filipina. I just hope it’s because you recognize an instinctive resonating with her soul rather than because you consciously forced yourself not to marry a white woman. Kawawa naman ang mga puti (Pity the poor white woman if that were the case). Such inverted snobbery would still be a form of racism with the victims reversed. -
Dear Dr. Holmes:
I recently heard the term LBFM and would like to know what it means. My boyfriend, from whom I heard the term (accidentally when he thought I was out of hearing distance), won’t tell me. This leads me to suspect that it is a sexist term because my boyfriend, who has time and again “accused” me of becoming a “rabid” feminist, is usually very candid, but he won’t tell me what it means no matter how much I ask him. He insists it’s a private joke and means nothing. I don’t know if it makes any difference, but he is an American. Finally, he wasn’t referring to me when he said it, he was referring to my best friend.
I hope, Dr. Holmes, that it isn’t asking too much, but I would like to know what you, personally as a woman (as opposed to as a psychologist) would do if someone referred to you as an “LBFM”. It isn’t that I would automatically do what you would do, but it would help me a lot if I had an idea why you would react the way you would. Thank you very much.
Stella
Dear Stella:
The term LBFM is an acronym for “Little Brown Fucking Machine.” Sometimes it is expanded to “LBFM-PBR” which means “Little Brown Fucking Machine-Powered by Rice” so you can see that it very definitely has not only sexist, but also racist implications.
What would I do if someone referred to me (or, in your case, someone very near and dear to me) as an LBFM? I guess it would all depend very much on the context in which the remark was made. I know many will not agree with me, but would rain heaps of abuse on anyone foolish enough to use that acronym in their presence, but I do not believe in giving knee jerk responses just because the acronym or word used is blatantly “politically incorrect.”
However, methinkest the gentleman (to use the term very loosely) will have a tough time getting out of his predicament. While ordinarily possessing what I like to think is a reasonable sense of humor, I don’t see how I could be amused by his so called “private joke.”
Are there circumstances when I would not mind being referred to as an LBFM? I could probably think of one or two (although perhaps not many more than that). If I finally hooked up with man of my dreams and he looked at me with unabashed awe, wonder and/or gratitude and said: “God, woman, you are gonna wear me out. You are a little brown fucking machine.” I think I may just smile a little and say something equally unoriginal (but nice) like: “And you’re not so bad yourself, Big Boy.” -
Dear Dr. Holmes:
I may be one of the so-called dirty old men referred to by Brown Woman.
Her sister should know that I am not a piece of stone. When she leans across my desk with an eyeball-to-eyeball smile and wears sexy clothes with long black hair draped over her shoulders, she should not expect me to remain unmoved as an Easter Island statue.
I am not a concrete object, but react as any normal, properly-hormoned male would to teasing female body language.
Some of my white male colleagues here have lived in different parts of Southeast Asia and have remained faithful to their wives if they are happily married to their spouses to begin with. Why is it that when they come to the Philippines the “brown women” have caused the male sexual paraphernalia to spring up, so to speak?
One staid white man, a serious workaholic at that, confessed to me that he had been true to his wife all his life in a variety of cultures. But when he came here he melted like butter into the lap of a brown woman. Surely it must be the brown woman who lead the men on?
My question, Dr. Holmes, is this: why do the brown women in the Philippines, who basically are no more beautiful than females anywhere else, do this to normally straight, contented, married men — not to mention the single white young bucks?
White Man
Dear White Man:
Why Indeed. Sigh. I do wish I knew the answer. However, this is such an incendiary issue — touching on both racism and sexism, that it is difficult to get rational answers. In fact, let me get the irrational ball rolling. I blame Rudyard Kipling. After all, wasn’t he the one who wrote the following poem?
Mandalay
By the old Moulmein Pagoda, lookin’ eastward to the sea,
There’s a Burma girl a-settin’ an’ I know she think o’ me;
For the win is in the palm-trees, an’ the temple bells they say:
“Come you back, you British soldier; come you back to Mandalay!”
Come you back to Mandalay,
Where the old Flotilla lay:
Can’t you ‘ear their paddles chunkin’ from Rangoon to Mandalay?
On the road to Mandalay
Where the flyin’-fishes play,
An’ the dawn comes out like thunder outer China ‘crost the Bay!
But that’s all shove be’ind me-long ago an’ far away,
An’ there ain’t no ‘busses runnin’ from the Benk to Mandalay;
An’ I’m learnin’ ‘ere in London what the ten-year sodger tells:
“If you’ve eard the East a-callin’, why you won’t ‘eed nothin’ else.”
No! you wno’t ‘eed nothin’ else
But them spicy garlic smells
An’ the sunshine and the palm-trees and the tinkly temple bells!
On the road to Mandalay —
I am sick o’ waitin’ leather on these gitty pavin’-stones,
And the blasted Henglish drizzle wakes the fever in my bones;
Tho’ I walk with fifty ‘ousemaids outer Chelsea to the Stran,
An’ they talks a lot o’ lovin’, but what do they understand?
Beefy facae aqn’ grubby and —
Law! wot do they understand?
I’ve a neater, sweeter maiden in a cleaner, greener land!
On the road to Mandalay —
Ship me somewhere east of Suez where the best is like the worst,
Where they aren’t no Ten Commandments, an’ a man can raise a thirst;
For the temple bells are callin’, an’ it’s there that I would be —
By the ole Moulmein Pagoda, lookin’ lazy at the sea —
Sino ba ang hindi mahuhlugan ng loob? (Who wouldn’t fall for an oriental woman after such a description?) I am, of course, facetious by blaming Kipling.
Methinks it is because it is less frustrating to “blame” one’s favorite author that it is to listen to people who are supposedly in the know. The former, with his lovely turn of phrase and vivid descriptions, is a delight to read and listen to. The latter can be a royal pain in the butt.
Over ten years have passed, but I still remember an American woman I interviewed in connection with some research I was doing on “The Incidence of Infidelity among Expatriate Men Living in the Philippines.” Armed with a Masters in Social Work, she was very active in a group that purported to help expatriates adjust to life in the Philippines. She claimed that Caucasian husbands fooled around because it was easy to do so here. Seeing all these Asian women who made them feel so good, who smiled at and flirted with them, the husbands couldn’t help it. They were just like kids in a candy store. “So you see, Margarita, if only the women wouldn’t be so eager, the men wouldn’t fool around,” she self-righteously concluded.
Is that dumb or is that dumb? Is Las Vegas to be blamed if I lose all my money playing blackjack at Caesar’s Palace? Should sports manufacturers be blamed because a man beats his wife with a baseball bat? This is passing the buck of the most mundane kind, the type of thinking one might accept in a six-year-old, hardly the kind of reasoning one expects is a supposed serious student of human behavior. One wonders how she could ever really help other expatriates adjust to a culture she so readily blamed for her husband’s betrayal.
This sort of self-serving “analysis” happens all the time. In connection with the furor caused by Navy aviators a while back, AP wired a story about “sexual harassment” in Subic that was carried by several local newspapers. Some female sailors had taken offense at Filipino female dancers performing lunchtime shows at enlisted personnel clubs on the base. In the version The Manila Times carried, Petty Officer 2nd Class Heather Furse told the Stars and Stripes that she and other women usually eat in another room when the dancers perform. “We don’t want to sit there watching the guys drool over the women.” So far so good. That I can understand. But she continues with “It’s the whole Philippine thing. It seems that prostitution, alcoholism, gambling, and adultery are overlooked here.”
Gimme a break, Lady. There are so many topless bars cropping up in Manhattan’s posh east side and Long Island’s supposedly sleepy suburbia that the New York Times devoted a two-page spread on it. Is that a ‘Philippine thing” too?
Hmmm… idiotic remarks first by an American social worker, then by an American Naval Officer. If I were as illogical, I would then conclude that ALL American women were humorless, logicless, and downright racist.
GRRRR, GROWL and GRINCH. See what you started, WHITE MAN. -
Dear Dr. Holmes:
Opposites attract, hence the problems experienced by white woman. There is also an element of mystery. Encountering the unknown adds spice to life. Be that as it may, the problem is compounded in the Philippines by having a society that, generally speaking, lacks values. Filipino males here also lack self control because they are spoilt by the females in the family. But are they unique?
My sister works in a foreign embassy in Manila. She reports harassment by white males. Their heads of the trade and immigrations sections are dirty old men who see Filipinas as sex objects. I’m sure they don’t see themselves as dirty old men, but rather as really macho super studs. They get their kicks this way.
These creepy men talk suggestively even to married Filipinas who have children. Yes, to mothers on their staff. Maybe they don’t know they are mothers or even married. It doesn’t matter when it comes to satisfying their fetid instincts.
They make no effort to see Filipinas as fellow-human beings, but rather as objects to titillate their sexual fantasies. These married men sadly misinterpret the Filipina smile as a come-on. My sister does not know how to react to this sexual harassment. She simply smiles to conceal her embarrassment and this seems to further turn on these DOMs (dirty old men). I also include the younger ones who belong to the political section.
I don’t think they try and talk this kind of sexy talk to the wives of their colleagues when they are alone with them.
So, Dr. Holmes, why do these white men reveal this disgusting side of themselves only to their Filipina staff? These depraved men even attempt to get close to their Filipinas by conducting sex surveys to satisfy their repressed fantasies. Is there something wrong with their wives that they seek there gutter level outlets—and only end up making fools of themselves?
Brown WomanDear Brown Woman:
I do not know exactly why it is that these white men reveal the “disgusting side of themselves only to their Filipina staff.” I guess we have to wait for such white men to tell us so themselves. Or maybe we have to wait for one of their wives to write, telling us: “Don’t kid yourself, Sister. White trash like this act like assholes even to their wives.” It is my belief that men who are abhorrent to women in one category (e.g. Filipino staff) are consistently abhorrent to women in other categories, albeit in a subtle, less painfully obvious manner.
Neither do I believe such blatantly offensive sexism to be a mere function of race. Admittedly, it is easier for white men to strut around feeling superior to brown women in places like the Philippines where the ravages of colonialism have not only NOT been totally eradicated, but are alive and well and visibly thriving. It doesn’t help any either that some sectors of the population misperceive all whites to be so much richer than “us natives.”
However, many white men have been able to escape this mentality. Personally, I feel race has much less to do with it that intelligence and sophistication. A white man who his here because he loves his job and knows he is good at it will be far less racist and sexist than one who is here because he knows he is not good enough to compete with the real players in home office. But I have said all this before (Life Love Lust, pp. 221-231). You might also want to read Edward Said’s Orientalism (1978) and/or Bell Hook’s Yearning: Race, Gender, and Cultural Politics (1990), and Fred Cordova’s Filipinos: Forgotten Asian Americans (1983).
I suspect your hypothesis is accurate. Some of these men have no idea how they come across to their staff. They are unaware that what they find funny (or hopefully flirtatious) is considered bastos (gross) thus completely unacceptable. They are not the only ones. CNN once mentioned the results of an American study (the exact author, date, and site of which are lost to me at the moment, but I’ll try and find out if you’re really interested) which understood the basic difference: Women are far more likely to perceive a situation as threatening (to their life, limb, or sexual equanimity) than men are. And neither is right nor wrong. The same world may actually be more benign for one sex than another (and thus more fraught with tension for the other).
I strongly suggest your sister let her bosses know exactly how she feels about their behavior. If they misperceive her embarrassment to be cooperation ( or acquiescence at the very least) it is also because she has done nothing to disabuse them of the idea. She should stop smiling at their buffoonery. She can also verbalize her discomfort. If they still persist, she can sue them for sexual harassment. But first, she must let them know. She must let her voice be heard. For such white men to unknowingly offend us is unfortunate. For us brown women to allow them to continue is inexcusable. -
Dear Margie:
I have a problem. I am a white woman who chooses to be single and who lives in your country because I work here. For this “crime” I suffer death threats from (needlessly) jealous women and constant stupidity from men. What alarms me the most is their lack of dignity.
Slime attacks come in so many ways and forms that I’ve developed a new terminology to keep track of them all.
There’s the DRONGO variety — simple men, probably fresh from the village, who can’t help but gawp when a foreign woman marches through their neighborhood. Drongoes are usually harmless but on a bad day it can be as irritating as anything else.
More assertive drongoes won’t just gawp, they’ll offer all sorts of things like a pedicab, cigarettes, directions, etc. No problem there, just don’t get in my way when I’m in a hurry. But the drongo who offers anything by sticking their card in my face, managing to make a grope for my breasts in the process would get an elbow in the gut if I hadn’t learned that ferocious telling-off, as if to a child, worked better.
At the other end of the scale are the super-powerful, super-rich, well-groomed and educated slimes. These I call the DECORATORS. They feel that a white woman would be the finishing touch to their image as a man-about-town. What worries me is that if it’s just a lovely woman they want, they are far more riveting examples amongst their own race. Why white? Is it because there’s an undercurrent of belief that western women are somehow easier to score, easier to get into bed, easier to dispense with when they’re done?
Most disturbing of all though are the group I call the DELUDED. These men are the majority, they are all 30 or something, have lived abroad, and fancy themselves as pretty sharp lads. But their delusions betray, to me, the most sexist pile of nonsense ever. There are three main delusions:
—that these men are obviously and irrefutably attractive to women;
—that when a woman says “No!”, she means, “Well, maybe…”
—that no woman wants to be single. (So that if one guy fails eventually to get her, he’ll try “fixing her up” with all his friends.)
Examples of the lines these deluded fools produce would fill one of your books, dear Margie. What I want to know is, what on earth do these men think of women if they come out with lines like these?
—“So why did you give me your phone number if you didn’t want to sleep with me?”
—“You don’t mind if I get a little romantic, do you?” from a national politician as he pins me against a wall. (Lucky I’m strong, and they’re all softened by beer flab…)
—“Well, I know you’re not taken yet, so I thought you’de be desperate!!”
—At a dinner when I said “Here, let me pay for this.” He goes: “Pay? Oh. You can sleep with me (instead) if you like.”
—“You don’t want to sleep with me? Then let’s just mess around.” etc. etc. etc.
Do these men talk like this to women of their own class and race? Do they assume all women “want it”? Why do I get more nonsense here, than I’ve had to put up with in any other Asian country? I guess Filipino men are still looking for some cheap variant on their old role models of virgin mothers and cheap tarts? Only you, dear, Margie, can explain these things.
White Woman
Dear White Woman:
Oh, you are a wily one. I remember when I first asked you to write a letter describing your experiences as an attractive “white woman” here in the Philippines. It was at a diplomat’s party, after watching the grace with which you carried yourself despite the pretty obvious attempts of a cabinet secretary to “get too know you better.” I remember the way you maintained your sense of humor and your dignity when his attempts became even more obvious (and pathetic). “Jesus. What savoire faire! What grace!” I remember muttering under my breath. Bow talaga ako (I take my hat off to you, dear WW).
I knew you had stories to tell… and I could tell exactly how you would relate them: with just the right blend of irony, outrage, and humor. That’s why I was thrilled to bits when you finally said yes. Little did I know you would turn the tables on me by asking me for an explanation!! Sigh. I guess I could come up with a reason or two, but wouldn’t it be more enlightening and/or more fun if we got it straight from the horse’s mouth?
So how about it, all you DRONGOES, DECORATORS and DELUDED out there. Give the white woman of the Philippines an even break. If you’re not gonna stop harassing them, at least give them a clue as to why you do it! -
On "yellow Filipinas" and "black guys"
Dear Dr. Holmes:
I am a black guy and temporarily residing in Manila. I like it here, but find it difficult to mingle and get together with Filipinos. I think there is a lot of racism here in the Philippines.
The white Americans, Canadians, French, British, Russian and Scandinavian ladies are crazy over black guys but the yellow Filipina simply makes fun of out color.
When I first approach a Filipina she is shy and tried to run away. But when I manage to take her to bed and she gets a taste of my 10-inch dick and my usual eight rounds in bed, she goes crazy about me. Then she is no longer shy, but always hanging around me, blowing into my ear, stroking my inner thigh, accidentally brushing against my crotch and doing all sorts of other things to get me to ram my steel rod into her once again.
Sometimes we just have finished a few minutes ago and are down in a snack bar to eat a hamburger and she is once again doing all those naughty things I mentioned to you that drive me wild. Then I want to take right there and then in the snack bar but do not want other women who see what I’m doing to her apply for the same position. Yellow Filipinas are very jealous of their guys.
Right now I have many Filipina girlfriends and most of them want to have sex with me everyday. Sometimes two, three times a day! I love them all and try very hard to satisfy and please them. I am proud to say that without exception I can always do so.
I love them all and want to marry a yellow Filipina but I am not very sure whether they really will love me because I am of a different color. Maybe they are just happy to be in bed with me, but not happy to be married to me.
There are several yellow Filipinas I am interested in but before I propose to any of them, there are a few questions that I want to ask you. Are you sure that these Filipinas really love me? Can a yellow Filipina feel real love for a black guy? How do yellow Filipinas feel about black guys in general? Are they not prejudiced against us? Don’t you believe that if I marry one of you yellow Filipinas the love we have might grow cold by and by? If I marry one of these girls and have a happy life with them are you sure they will not only be pretending to do so? Are you sure they will be able to forget about my color and now have real love for me? Is it really possible for yellow Filipina to love black guy?
What would you suggest if you saw a yellow Filipina in love with a black guy? What would you say to her?
As a Filipina and a mother, how would you feel if your daughter dated a black guy? Would you agree to have her marry one of us? What would you tell her if she came to you and said she wanted to marry one of us? Would you be concerned about my size and my sexual stamina? What are my chances of marrying a yellow Filipina? I hope you will answer all my questions regarding this matter. I thank you very much.
BROTHER ARTHUR JAMORRA
Dear BROTHER JAMORRA:
Because we have so many questions to deal with, let me cut to the chase and answer them in the order you asked them, okay?
1. Are you sure that these Filipinas really love me?
I think it depends a lot on who these Filipinas are. Do you mean the “many filipina girlfriends” you have who want to have sex (with you) everyday, sometimes two, three times a day?! Are these the same Filipinas who re at first “shy and try to run away” but once they “get a taste of (your) 10-inch dick and usual eight rounds go crazy about you, are no longer shy, but always hanging around… stroking your inner thigh, brushing against your crotch, and doing all sorts of things to get you to ram that steel rod into them once again?” From the information you’ve given me, I can tell whether they are horny for you or not.
But it is more difficult to tell whether they love you or not. To do that, I would need to know more about them as individual human beings. What are they capable of beyond their thigh-stroking, crotch brushing activities? Are they capable to truly loving anyone — whether from a different culture or not? Are they capable of standing by someone through thick and thin (figuratively as well as literally)? Give me the answers to these questions and I can give you a reasonable guess concerning their love for you (or not).
2. Can a yellow Filipina feel real love for a black guy?
Yes. And I know several who have, as a matter of fact. But love takes time, patience and caring. It also takes knowledge that goes beyond what size your penis is and how often you can make love to a woman. If you can find a woman who is as interested in you mind as she is in your body, who looks forward to your conversation as eagerly as she does to your lovemaking, who values your person as highly as your sexuality, then you are on the right track. It helps, of course, if you are able to relate to her in the same way too.
3. How do yellow Filipinas feel about black guys in general? Are they not prejudiced against us?
Some are (prejudiced), and some aren’t. Those that are would be like prejudiced people everywhere: nondiscriminating. They believe everything they read n the papers and are affected by everything they see in the movies. Unfortunately, they are just as nondiscriminating in their choice of reading material and movies as they are in their critical thinking (or lack thereof). They tend to gravitate towards activities and entertainment that make life easy for them; in other words, nothing that would challenge their beliefs nor stretch their minds in any way.
Studies have shown that most prejudiced people usually have had little or no exposure to the people they are prejudiced against. Many Filipinas don’t know any blacks and hardly anything about black culture or history. To fear and thus make fun of and try to demean what one does not understand is a common reaction among such people. That, alas, is the bad news.
The good news is that, unless this prejudice runs very deeply, this fear and suspicion based on lack of knowledge can quickly enough change to acceptance once person-to-person contact is established between people. There is nothing more powerful in slaying myths and stereotypes than personal encounters with other people. This acceptance can evolve into respect and affection once people get to know each other even better and have dealings with one another that require more than a superficial “hi” and “hello”. From there, it is usually a hop, skip and a jump to commitment and true love. Okay, okay, for someone it is more like a giant leap thank a hop, skip and jump, but a leap that is doable nonetheless.
4. Don’t you believe that if I marry one of you yellow Filipinas the love we have might grow cold by and by? If I marry one of these girls and have a happy life with them are you sure they will not only be pretending to be happy?
You are right, of course. Love may grow cold and your wife may seem very happy but actually only pretending to be so. But that has far less to do with your being black or her being yellow that with the kind of people you both are and the depth of relations hip you re both able —and willing— to commit yourselves to. Love may grow cold between two black two yellow, white and mixed couples. On the other hand, love may grow deeper, warmer and richer with these very same couples too.
I understand your fears and wish there was more I could say to alleviate the,. However, you seem to be doing all right by yourself, working things out as best as you can by weighing all the pros and cons about a mixed relationship and yet not letting cynicism get the better of you. As long as you realize that there are many different kinds of Filipinas (some good, some bad, some users, some losers and some very definite winners), just as there are many different kinds of blacks. What is crucial is not her color, but the sort of person she is… and the sort of person you are, so that the women who might consider marrying you will be the kind of women you want in the first place.
5. Are you sure they will be able to forget about my color and now have real love for me?
One can never be really sure of anything. All we have in real life is probability, not certainty. It is not only probable but also highly possible that the woman you choose will have the smarts, the sophistication and the sensitivity to consider herself blessed to have you to love (and be loved by) — no matter what your color is.
It seems unnecessary, however — if not downright counter-productive — to insist she forget you are black. Your color after all, is part of who you are and therefore one of the many reasons your woman would love you.
6. Is it really possible for a yellow Filipina to love a black guy?
Absolutely. And for a fair-skinned, olive-toned or really dark Filipina as well.
7. What would you suggest if you saw a yellow Filipina in love with a black guy? What would you say to her?
I would say to her what I would say to anyone marrying outside her culture. “Be sure you are really in love with this guy and not merely fascinated with the differences between you, 10 inches and eight rounds notwithstanding. Be sure this is about you and him and not about shocking the society, rebelling against your parents and/or proving to all and sundry that you are a grown woman who can make her own decisions. Be sure you really love this man and are not merely in like, in lust, or in love with him. If you are fairly sure of these things, then go for it.”
I would also suggest she talk to as many Filipinas as she can who have married other black guys and read up on cross-cultural marriages. This will not eliminate surprises (which can be quite fun anyway) but will, at least, minimize the probability of totally rude awakenings.
8. As a Filipina and a mother, how would you feel if your daughter dated a black guy?
If he were a nice black guy, I’d be happy she were dating him. If he weren’t, I’d be upset.
9. Would you agree to have her marry one of us? What would you tell her if she came to you and said she wanted to marry one of us?
My daughter is an independent enough person not to need my “agreement” to marry anyone. But if she came to me and said she wanted to marry “one of you”, I would tell her something like this: “All things being equal, marrying someone of your own race and culture makes life a whole lot simpler. And easier. And marriage is hard enough as is without putting the added burden of adjusting to someone with a different mindset, a different history (personal and cultural), not to mention a different sense of family interactions from the ones you have experienced. Misunderstandings would not be exacerbated nor nuances missed as much with someone from one’s own culture.
“BUT love is never equal and you, my little poppet, were never one to shirk honest loving. SO… if you honestly feel that he is the man for you, and you like the kind of wife you will be with a husband like him, then hot diggedy dang, what are you waiting for?!!? Go for it, woman!”
10. If your daughter married one of us, would you be concerned about our size and our sexual stamina?
Presuming I am aware of such distinctions at the height of the wedding or anytime after that, I doubt if I would be overly concerned about these. I may have some feelings about your penis size and your being able to “go for eight rounds,” but concern, shock, horror, a strong desire to protect her from you would certainly not be among them. At most, I will probably chuckle a little and think: “Well, if she didn’t know how terrific sex can be earlier, she certainly will find out now.” This is presuming, of course, that her fiance’s mind and heart are as generous as his penile proportions.
To be such, one has to think beyond size, frequency and even beyond sex. This is what concerns me slightly about you, BROTHER JAMORRA. This is all you seem to focus on about yourself. Surely there are other things about you worth crowing about? You complain about being a victim of prejudice and yet your statements merely confirm the stereotypes about black men. Indeed, the myth that all black men are superstuds and lovers par excellence is rather complimentary, I suppose, but not if it limits you to that function. Not if that is all people can remember, say or think about you. Worse, not if that is all you can say, think or value about yourself.
11. What are my chances of marrying a yellow Filipina?
A whole lot better if you saw beyond the yellow and concentrated on the person within. -
Dear Dr Holmes,
I feel a little awkward writing you since psychology was also my major during my undergraduate days at UST, but that has been a long time ago and I feel I need some outside help now.
After graduating from the Philippines I went to the United States to pursue further studies in Education. It was there that I met my future husband Robert, an American of Italian descent. Robert was then a graduate student in Agricultural Economics; he is now working as an economist whose specialization is South East Asia for a UN-type organization whose head office is here in Manila.
Before coming back to the Philippines Robert and I lived in the United States for 10 years. I was very happy there. We both taught at a university there and while the pay was not very high (as opposed to the salary my husband is getting here if you include all the perks like subsidized rent and schooling for the children) I was very content.
Lack of Understanding
Occasionally someone from the university would ask a question that showed a lack of understanding of the Philippine situation, but that did not bother me too much. An example would be the American presumption that that I had met my husband in the Philippines – as though I did not have the finances or the wherewithal to come to the United States on my own. Another time, a man asked me if we had running water in our homes and television sets. It was funny, at first, this insularity of some Americans, but it can be a little tiring at times. But never ever did I get frustrated with the Americans at the university the way I do with the foreigners here. Some of them are really bastos.
When we first arrived from the States, the director of the program Robert invited us for a welcome dinner in his home. There we met other people from Robert’s division. One of the guests told a ‘joke’ about how, before he came here, he thought all Filipinos had tails, ate bananas and swung from trees. Now, after living here for over a year, he realizes that they also eat papayas and mangoes. I was appalled but since everybody laughed at the joke, including Robert, I felt it would be churlish of me to make a scene, Besides, I thought maybe I was being a little over sensitive since I had just arrived in the country then and perhaps I was overtired.
Anti-Pinoy remarks
However that it not the only time I have heard anti-Filipino remarks:
They say with such enthusiasm and surprise: ‘But you speak such good English!’ whenever they find out I was born and raised here, as though the only English we are capable of is that which says ‘put out the light’ when you mean ‘turn it off’, or answers ‘yes’ to a question like ‘Do you want sugar with that or a slice of lemon?’
They talk about how lazy their drivers are while riding in cars driven by them, and complain about their maids’ stupidity and greediness in front of their very faces.
They complain that all Filipinos can do is ‘sit under a tree, scratching their balls and drinking San Miguel’.
They laugh about how this is the only country they know where every bank and restaurant is a proverbial piss pot because of how our Filipino men sometimes urinate there. They say that this country is going to the dogs and that anyone who invests here is a fool.
They say so many other things, but I think you now get an idea of ehat these dinner parties are like that I have to go to for my husband’s sake.
Once I could not stand it: This man was complaining about how inhospitable Filipinos are. He has been living here na raw for over 12 years and he has yet to be invited to a Filipino’s house for dinner or even for drinks. All this talk about Filipinos being such a hospitable people is ‘sheer poppycock, a propaganda dished out by the department of Tourism in another desperate attempt to attract tourists to this heel hole. In fact’, he continued, ‘I think Filipinos are the most inhospitable people in the world. Not once have they asked me over to their houses. Not once.’
I answered that perhaps he was not invited by Filipinos not because they were inhospitable but because they were too smart to want to have him over to their houses.
‘Not smart enough?!!? Not smart enough?!!?’ he screamed. ‘What’s your I.Q.?’ he demanded of me.
‘Whatever it is,’ I countered, ‘I’m sure it’s a few points higher than yours’ after which I quickly left the party because I was so afraid of what he might do to me.
Ay naku I never heard the end of it from my husband who accuse me of sabotaging his job here in the Philippines. He also complains that because of my rudeness we are hardly invited to parties any more. Whenever we do get invited out, he always reminds me to hold my temper and just be patient with them. ‘After all, they have a point.’
I don’t know what to do any more. I love my husband and want to help him further his career but these dinner parties are getting more and more difficult to take. And Robert and I are fighting more and more about them. Please help me.
Luth
Dear Luth,
Before anything else, I’d like to get one thing straight: Not all statements criticizing the Philippines upset you, right? If the remark is based on fact and uttered in the spirit of a shared conversation, then it is all right with you, is it not? What I mean is, a remark like ‘The pollution levels in the Philippines are really reaching criminal proportions’ or ‘Some Filipino drivers really need to go to driving school all over again’ would not be offensive because they are based on fact and made by people who, it seems, would say the same things about their own people if the situation warranted such statements.
It seems to me that the kind of anti-Filipino remarks that upset you are those blanket statements that caricaturize the Filipinos. It is those statements based on prejudice, fear and ignorance rather than on actual experience. Some people may argue that such statements are based on experience – the foreigner does have a stupid maid; the foreigner did have a driver who stole all his money; the foreigner did see two Filipinos sitting under a coconut tree scratching their balls. However, to label all Filipinos as such is just as stupid as labeling all Americans as rednecks, all Englishmen as poofters, and all Australians as ex-convicts. All of us have had unpleasant experiences when traveling in countries other than our own; it is only the incredibly naïve or the truly stupid who generalize such experiences on an entire culture.
If your honest has resulted in your being invited to fewer dinner parties where such baseless anti-Filipino remarks are uttered, it seems to me that your husband should be happy that you have saved him from a fate that may not be worse than death itself, but comes a pretty close second. Who wants to sit around a dinner table and discuss ‘how difficult it is to get good help nowadays’ when there is literature, politics and even just light banter to enjoy? Who wants to sit around comparing how Filipinos say ‘beektoreeh’ for ‘victory’ and ‘fuck’ for ‘pack’ as in ‘Shall I fuck your bags for you, ma’am?’ when there are other things to talk about – issues to grapple with and analyze, or even jus ordinary events that elevate the spirit instead of leaving it in the mire? If this is the kind of talk you have saved your husband from having to sit through, weekend night after sorry weekend night, then he should go down on his knees and thank God he married a woman like you.
However, they say ‘there is no accounting for taste’ and I suppose your husband has his own reasons for enjoying such parties. If he enjoys them so much and you don’t, why don’t you just let him go on his own? There is no commandment in the Bible that says’Thou shalt not let your husband go to parties alone.’ You will both feel less pressured that way and, I am sure, fight less often as a consequence.
I ralize that, in some quarters here in the Philippines, being a wife is sometimes synonymous with being a martyr; you do not have to belong to those quarters. Life is too short to spend even a single evening in the company of people you don’t enjoy.
If however you have the misfortune of finding your self in one of these parties and the people around you start making offensive remarks about your nationality, race or sex, then just leave the group. Go to some other group of people who seem to be enjoying themselves. You needn’t shout or argue or engage in a battle with them. It will be counterproductive. Such people are not open to reason. Bakit mo pa sila papatulan?
Of course you could say something like: ‘It’s true the country has gone to the dogs in a lot of ways, and that is really quite sad. But what is even sadder, in fact, is downright pathetic is that you, who have no ties to the place, have neither the brains nor the guts to find another job in another country.’
I might suggest you say something even more pithy like: ‘If you hate it so much, just leave’. But why throw your pearls before swine?